The Doctor Who Mega-Review! Episode 3 - The Forest of Fear

And they're off! Thanks to the help of the crazy old cave-woman, The Doctor and his companions have escaped the Cave of Skulls and are hauling ass through the forest in an attempt to get back to the TARDIS. The lead caveman, the one who thought he could make fire, is hot on their trail with his woman. Before he can get too close to The Doctor's crew, a mysterious unseen creature mauls him and leaves him for dead. Considering the budget for these older BBC shows were about twelve dollars, we never see the creature in question, but it does leave huge, Wolverine-like claw marks all over the dude. 

Barbara and Ian, trying to be decent human beings, go back to help the dumb savage. They tidy up his wounds and strike up a deal. They will teach the cavemen how to make fire, if the two will help them get back to the TARDIS. A couple of tubes of Neosporin later, the caveman is no longer on death's door and the group is ready to get the fuck out of Dodge.

But wait, the other cavemen! Rebel caveman and Prehistoric Will Ferrell decide to track those sonsabitches down. They're coming for you, Doc! CREDITS!

Episode 3: The Forest of Fear - 3.5 out of 5.

Pros:

Hilariously generic monster.

The Doctor being a giant douche.

The violent throwing of an old woman to the ground.

Cons:

Companions starting to get a little whiny.

Doctor is maybe a bit TOO hardcore? He was seemingly gonna brain that guy with a rock...

They could have totally gotten out by themselves. Cavemen are not known for their knot-tying skills.

The Doctor Who Mega-Review! Episode 2 - The Cave of Skulls

We pick back up with the good Doctor after the TARDIS has landed somewhere new. Turns out, somewhere new is ten thousand or so years in the past. Cavemen and shit, yo. 

A good bit of this episode is spent setting up the back story between the cavemen. One wants to make fire. Another one thinks he's full of it and demands to be leader. This is all in English, by the way, for reasons we'll find out later. The rebel caveman finds The Doctor in the middle of lighting his cigar, freaks out, and abducts him. Apparently, this old man can make fire from his fingers. And they need fire. On the list of primary things in a caveman's life, this is right up there with "Eat" and "Not Die."

Susan, Ian, and Barbara find The Doctor, trying to tell these primitive screwheads that without matches, he can't make fire. After the worst ambush in history, all four of them end up prisoners in the titular Cave of Skulls, so called because of the skulls. In it.

Overall, lots of mumbo-jumbo about how Klerg is best and Derp can make fire, and Klerg calls him on his bullshit. Surprisingly little Doctor action in this one, he's unconscious or not present for a good amount of time. He IS still "Old Man Doctor." Eccleston would have snap-kicked that caveman in the fuckin' throat and dusted off his jacket. But, I digress; Fire good, strangers bad. CREDITS!

Episode 2 - The Cave of Skulls - 2.5 out of 5

Pros:

Umm...awesome hair on those cavemen?

First mention of the "Doctor Who?" joke.

Crazy old cave-woman spouting prophecy.

Cons:

Most of the episode is cavemen-centric.

That one caveman who looks like Will Ferrell is distracting.

Not a single goddamned "Oooga" or "Booga."

The Doctor Who Mega-Review! Episode 1 - An Unearthly Child

As previously stated on this blog, I became a fan of Doctor Who somewhat recently. I wish I could say that I grew up watching it on the BBC in my younger years, but time and space deposited me incorrectly for that. It was the 2005 series, introducing Christopher Eccleston, that really introduced me to The Doctor and his adventures. Now, as I wait impatiently for the new season (Series 7, Matt Smith), I find myself wanting more of The Doctor and running low on options. After reading an informative post on Reddit, I've decided that I'm going to watch ALL the old Doctor Who episodes. All the ones that are still in existence, that is. 

So here begins the grand project. Pull up a comfy chair and pour yourself a bowl of Cookie Crisp. We're about to go old school up in this bitch.

Episode 1 - An Unearthly Child

A disclaimer first: These episodes were broadcast individually, and with separate titles, but many belong to a batch of story arcs. This is the first episode of the first arc, and premiered in November 1963. The Doctor was first portrayed by William Hartnell. He's the oldest looking incarnation, but the youngest from The Doctor's chronology. I know, time travel, it gets better.

Curious about one of their students, two teachers, Barbara and Ian, follow her home. This girl was weird, you see. She knew way too much about certain topics, like chemistry and history, but next to nothing about common sense modern things, such as how many shillings to a pound. It really got Barbara curious, and after doing a little recon, she discovers that Susan, the young girl, seems to have no real physical address. It's just an old, run-down warehouse. Fearing for the girl's safety, Barbara and Ian make with the breaking and entering after following Susan home. 

Inside the warehouse, the only thing of note is a large police box, a sort of telephone booth for back-in-the-day when you needed to call the coppers. Enter Susan's grandfather. He's a saucy old curmudgeon that basically tells them both to beat it. They suspect he's keeping Susan locked in the police box, and demand he open it. Barbara and Ian eventually push their way inside to discover a large, indescribable room inside the relatively small box. Susan and her grandfather explain that the police box is a ship called the TARDIS, and they are from another time and planet. Obviously, this goes over like crap to the two schoolteachers. They demand to be let out, but Susan's grandfather doesn't want them to blab their secret all over the place. After an argument about whether the teachers are trustworthy enough, Gramps is all like, "Sure, I'll let 'em leave... BAZINGA!" He throws the switch, activating the machine and induces a trippy sequence of lights and swirlies. 

When the acid finally wears off, Ian and Barbara are out cold on the floor and the TARDIS has materialized somewhere else. Somewhere barren. And then...a shadow! CREDITS!

Despite the culture shock of watching something in black and white from the early sixties, this still comes off well. But then again, I'm the kind of person who can watch old Twilight Zone episodes like crazy. As a fan of "Modern Who," I still don't feel out of place. The theme song is basically the same, the TARDIS makes the same noises, and The Doctor is eccentric and aloof as he should be. I like it, and fans like me owe it to themselves to see how everything started. Since this is a review as well, I guess I should come up with some arbitrary ratings system. It's not to tell you which ones to watch, but to keep them ranked in my head in order of awesomeness. For simplicity's sake, let's do a five-point scale and some Pros and Cons.

Episode 1: An Unearthly Child - 4 out of 5

Pros: 

William Hartnell is an awesome grump.

TARDIS is still familiar.

Cons:

Crappy quality (It's old...)

Good bit of exposition (but understandable).

Random Steam Review 2 - Recettear: An Item Shop's Tale

Ever wonder what happens on the other side of the RPG curtain? Sure, you frequent item shops in other games, but what about the poor schlub who had to buy your three hundred extra Mega Potions? EasyGameStation attempts to show you the answer with Recettear: An Item Shop's Tale.

You play Recette, a vapid, bubbly girl who inherits her father's sizable debt. Tear is your partner in business, a fairy sent from a collection agency who intends to get their money. The both of you open an item shop to try to raise the necessary money within a month's time.

As any adventurer knows, it's the dungeons that have all the loot. But Recette is not exactly the fighting type, so you hire a growing cast of odd mercenaries to venture in on your behalf and bring you stuff to sell. You spend your segmented days going between dungeon-running, buying items to re-sell, and tending the shop and its customers. As such, time management is key. If you spend all your time in the bowels of the earth digging up knick-knacks, there will be no time to open your shop and sell the things you get. And you'll need the time. You have only a set amount of time to pay off that money, and it's quite a lot. So much so, that you probably won't be able to pay it all off in the required amount of time, leading to a humorous game over screen. But not all is lost! Whenever you fail after the thirty day limit, the game restarts at day two, allowing you to keep all the money, items and experience you've gotten so far. You'll probably need to attempt this at least a few times to finally pay off the debt.

And once you do, it's not over! The game enters Endless Mode, which allows you unlimited time to get all of the many extras without the looming spectre of payback. You can use this time to unlock more adventurers, finish the item catalogue, or discover new dungeons.

VERDICT:  Recettear is a fun RPG full of Zelda-style action. It's well worth your cash. Buy it. Capitalism HO!

Random Steam Review 1 - Poker Night at the Inventory

So here I go in what I hope is a continuing series of game reviews. No scores, no politics, just a simple answer to the question, "Should I buy this?"

Let's kick things off with Telltale's crossover card game spectacular, Poker Night at the Inventory. It's a Texas Hold 'Em elimination tournament with some guest stars from radically different universes. The Heavy Weapons Guy represents Valve's Team Fortress 2, while the rest hail from Telltale episodic adventure games of their own. Tycho shows up from Penny Arcade fame, Sam from the Sam & Max series, and Strongbad from the popular Homestarrunner.com site. All four are fully-voiced, snarky poker nemeses, and must be run into bankruptcy immediately.

PNatI (snazzy acronym) is a simple, but polished, poker game. It is the Raisin' Cane's of video games; It does one thing, but does it extremely well and with a ton of charm. You, as the mysterious "Player," must sit down in a jazzy club with four questionable psychopaths, and proceed to fleece them out of their money. There's no crazy gimmicks, no arcade-style twists, no magical cards. It's just a game of poker, albeit with a torrent of commentary thrown in. It's a great game to relax with. You can kick back, play at a leisurely pace, and listen to the banter tossed around between the characters and yourself. Banter which, by the way, is both hilariously self-referential and totally inside for hardcore fans. Your fourth wall is not necessary.

Since it IS such a basic game, replayability may become a factor. Fortunately, the game comes with quite a few unlockables. New table and deck designs can be unlocked, as well as four items for use in Team Fortress 2 if you're keen on that game. If you like poker, and can stand playing game after game, you should be fine. It won't keep my attention for very long after I've unlocked everything, but considering the game is a paltry $4.99, you really can't go wrong.

VERDICT: Buy it. Go ahead. Treat yourself. It's cheaper than a six pack of beer, and lasts a hell of a lot longer.

Escalation

While the internet is all piss-and-fury with the news of Michael Bay's upcoming fuckery, I thought I should point out something. For the couple of people who somehow haven't found out, Bay is producing the new live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, and has decided to greenlight a script that re-writes the turtles as aliens instead of mutants. I shouldn't need to go on, to explain why this is retarded.

But there is another concern of mine that this issue brings up. Something I feel is important, and ties in with the title of this post and the Joker-y picture above: Escalation.

If Hollywood is prepared to roll along with what could be drastic changes to a hugely successful franchise, what wouldn't they do? What golden calf is too sacred?

I'm thirty-two years old. The Ninja Turtles were part of my youth as much as He-Man and a shitload of dinosaur stuff. I am not a butt-hurt nerd complaining about my childhood being "raped." Fact is, this is just another episode in a long string of movies that Hollywood screenwriters won't get their fuckin' mitts off of. Not everything is bad. I'm not the typical internet cynic. Changes can be made in a property for a movie's sake. Nolan's Batman movies were entertaining as hell, and Watchmen was probably about as good as it could be made given the source material. I didn't shit on the X-Men movies because they didn't follow close to comic continuity. They didn't, they were all over the map. Spider-Man was also changed, and not counting the third movie, comic fans mostly enjoyed them. I understand changes have to be made from time to time for the film's sake. Wolverine in yellow spandex would look ridiculous in practice, and you don't have enough time in a movie to go through all of Ras Al' Ghul's back story AND tell the Batman origin. But the key to all of the comic-to-movie adaptations that were widely liked, is that the changes they made kept in the feel and flavor of the properties. Would Batman Begins have been so well received if his parents weren't killed, but instead were in an ancient clan of ninja? I understand if someone couldn't care less about the Ninja Turtles, but what if it were a property you were fond of? They could reboot Superman as a government experiment, the Looney Tunes as edgy high school youths, or The Crow as a romantic comedy. At some point, it has to become less of an adaptation of the original material, and more of a bastardization.

And through all this, Michael Bay says, "Settle down." He says the script is good and people will understand. He loves it. Problem was, the exact same thing was said about Transformers, and I don't remember any old Transformer fans salivating at his three abortions that were classified as cinema. He said to trust him, and some did. Maybe some aging geeks were sold on the fact that he got Peter Weller as Optimus. Either way, all three Transformers movies were colossal disappointments. The first was at most "meh," and the other two were the visual and auditory equivalents of an episode of "Will It Blend" where the aforementioned item is a live cat. The problems were so extensive, I would do this post a disservice by hijacking it with Transformers nonsense.

Point is, I don't WANT to trust you, Michael. You've led me down the wrong path before, with promises that it would be "really cool." I'm not going to sign petitions, or boycott theaters. I just simply won't see this if it does get made. I won't buy it, rent it, Redbox, Netflix, or pirate it. It's just not worth it. He'll see none of my money in conjunction with this horseshit. It's also not that I'm a salivating TMNT fan, ready to complain on message boards at the drop of a hat. It's that I don't support what's becoming a trend of Hollywood trying to cash in on nostalgic properties with little-to-no regard for the source material. Today the Ninja Turtles, but what tomorrow?

Around the world...

So, here I am in my new favorite dive, taking the Around the World challenge. 95 beers, from all over the world, and the prize is bragging rights. No one has pulled this off here since 2009. Never before have I so wanted a shitty plaque and a t-shirt. Editing work is done for the night. I'm all about the exotic beer, now.